Guilt...it's a powerful thing

it makes my heart pound and my stomach feel woosy. It makes me feel embarrassed. It makes me feel like a horrible mother. It redirects me...I pray, I focus, and I make changes. Please God tell me I haven't yet done any damage. That's a "good" guilt...useful guilt. I've relied on melatonin to help the munchkin sleep for far too long...even after JT suggested we stop - although we never really had a true conversation and decision about it. I've known for a while that it's a crutch for me but couldn't bring myself to admit it. So, I did some research and it turns out it can have affects on puberty, I'm not really sure but I think it can slow it down. I shouldn't have been using it nearly every day, I know that. We need to teach her good sleep habits...we will teach her good sleep habits and I will just have to deal with the battles that come. I am not mentioning anything to JT because I'm scared of his reaction, even though it would make me feel better (I don't know why).  So, this guilt leads to change, leads to less laziness (because that's really what it is), leads me closer to God (because I NEED his forgiveness and support)...makes me a better mother and person. I vow right here and now that I will be better, do better, know better. We all screw up in some way or another, some bigger than others...it's how we react that matters. At least that's what I hope...

I want to remember...

at Petco she sees the birds and says, "I want a bird, I wish I had a bird". I told her she could have one when she got her own place. She looked at me funny so I said, "when you live on your own." She looked at me, cocked her head a bit and said, "but I want to stay with you." OMG...my heart melted. Still, never getting a bird in my house.

A Year of Resolutions

So I got to thinking about new year's resolutions, it being a new year and all. It seems that trying to hold myself to an entire year of one resolution is a bit overwhelming. It occurred to me that one month of one resolution would be doable...and maybe each one would stick. I read or heard somewhere that it takes 33 days to establish a habit. A month is pretty close :)

I decided I should use the SMART goals format...specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. These goals are simple...very simple but I've decided that's ok.

In January, I resolve to take care of my back. I will do this by following the stretches and exercised I learned in physical therapy last year. I will stretch two times every day. I will do the exercises three times per week. I will be mindful of my posture. I will get up from my desk at least once every hour...even if I have to set a calendar reminder.

So there you have it...let's get going!