Here & Better

We arrived safely and the anxiety has returned to a normal level. I'm finally getting some peace even though I may pay for it by being tired tomorrow. Had a wonderful dinner with my best friend. Now, I just have to move the munchkin so I have room in my bed. I'm just wishing the husband was having more fun but he's doing ok. I've only wanted to bite his head off once that I can remember.

Now, if we can just get the munchkin to take a real nap, we'll be all set.

Today is the day

I'll feel better in about 3 hours...when I'm at the airport and through security :) Right now, I'm anxious. I feel like I could run around the block yet exhausted at the same time. I'm making the effort to breathe, to take one thing at a time, to rest before we get going, to pray.

Waiting =

severly increased anxiety. So much so that I just don't want to do anything but wait for whatever it is that I'm anxious about. In this case, it's our upcoming trip. I've also noticed that the more people I travel with, the more anxious I get :) I believe "control" is often at the route of my anxiety. I'm in "just do what I say" mode...don't ask questions or try to provide suggestions, just do it. For example, packing, I want everyone to give me their stuff and I'll make it fit. That really doesn't make sense though since the husband is home and could really take care of most of this stuff...but I just can't let go of that. I need the control.

Add to this the fact that our seats aren't together and the munchkin is having "issues" and I'm one tired, anxious woman. The medication does help and I think I'll take one shortly before I get home. I just wish I could be home packing right now :)

So...the effort I'm making today (and tomorrow) is to be in the moment. Focus on what I'm doing right now, not what needs to be done by 9am tomorrow morning and remember that I have PLENTY of time to get it all done. Whew!

The last few days

have been a struggle. I'm full of anxiety over our upcoming trip. All I want to do is lay in bed and ignore everything...like a turtle in its shell. Fortunately, that's not possible for me :) I did play hooky from work on Friday and it was totally worth it. Although, I fear it may have caused a bit of a spiral. I do feel physically better though so that's good.

Truth is, I often feel that if I just keep moving, keep busy, I'll be ok. What I've read actually indicates that's not the truth. Sometimes (and I do means sometimes) you need to rest. So, I did that on Friday. Yesterday was a pretty relaxing day but this morning was busy. Add to that the munchkin, who is having bad dreams, keeps waking us in the night. I took a three-hour nap. I still have a headache and I still want to curl up but, once the munchkin wakes up from her nap, I'll get it in gear.

It's sad though that I'm ready for this trip to be over before it even gets started.

Blah, Blech

Being a girl is SO much fun sometimes - ifyouknowwhatimean. Yesterday I was off all day, feeling yucky, swollen, frumpy. But I stayed at work and toughed it out. Although not much got accomplished. Today...more of the same. I did get my packing lists updated and sorted through quite a bit of craft room purging so that was good. I'm just feeling blah tonight.

I was asleep before 9:30pm last night and I might be headed that way tonight as well :)

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm 35 years old today :) This was my once arbitrary deadline to be pregnant for the second time. I've pushed it back a little...I don't know when I'm done. It's more about the husband, who is quite a bit older than I am. Anyway, that's not what this post it about.

I haven't made an effort today other than the effort NOT to play hooky from work. The last two days have felt good. Today, I'm feeling mellow, which is actually nice. I'm also feeling unfocused, which is not so nice. That's the way it goes sometimes though so I'm trying just to ride it out.

Tomorrow is work from home day. I've got to decide what I want to do other than take a friend to get her car fixed and meet with the pastor. The second will actually be good plus I get starbucks (now that's a win-win). After that, I may get a haircut before our trip. I was to purge a bit more and I want to get my packing lists all set up. I may even rent a movie. However, I rarely get to do everything I want to do on my work from home day b/c, you know, work gets in the way :)

Taking care of the small things

That's what today was about both at work and at home. I will say that I wasn't nearly as productive at work as I should have been. Why does that actually bring me down? I think it's because I need a challenge...because I'm more than an administrator (DAMNIT!). Anyway, I applied for a job last week and I found another one today that I'm going to apply for. If nothing else, it's good practice.

At home, I've managed to mark off some small but important things off my list (for example, a complete computer back up). I also have successfully managed not to give the dogs any people food. I think they may actually shrivel up and die. Nah, I think I'm already noticing a difference so let's hope I can keep it up.

No yoga for me tonight b/c I did something terrible to my neck and shoulder muscles. So, heating pad and computer putzing it is. I may try to get some work done in the craft room. I also need to figure out what I want to do on Thursday.

PS...I'm already getting anxious about our upcoming trip. More on that tomorrow.

No Vitamins but...

Well, so much for making the effort to take my daily vitamin. By the time I remembered, I hadn't eaten, wasn't hungry, and didn't want to deal with the nausea. I did, however, make it another day without giving the dogs any people food! I also got some purging done in the craft room...an ongoing project.

I had a thought yesterday that maybe I should only make one new effort per week instead of per day :) I might be expecting a little too much from myself.

I definitely need to improve my strength and flexibility and have been considering yoga. Is it normal to sweat after only 10 minutes? No? Oh, well then, I guess I'll have to keep working on it.

Feeling pretty good today and I'm hoping for a good nights sleep!

Today

I am making the effort to give my dogs only dog food. We want to eliminate people food from their diet for behavior and health reasons.

So far, so good and only 5-6 more hours to go.

Ok, we made it through the day. My boxer thinks he is starving to death and severly neglected. BUT, not enough to eat an apple slice :) I may have to consider purchasing some low-fat dog treats. The main reason I want to do this is the stop the in-your-face begging from the boxer.

I'm hoping I can keep this up for a week and then I'll see how the dogs are really doing.

Tomorrow...I'm planning to make the effort to remember to take my vitamins.

Lazy

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts or maybe just lazy. But, I'm anxious so that's not working out too well for me :) I've spent good time with the munchking this morning, some quality time with the husband, and took a 30 minute nap. Otherwise, I've been totally unproductive. I can't help thinking that I should be doing something...reading, purging, laundry. That makes it difficult to truly relax and increases the anxiety and "down" feeling. I'm afraid to start a project for fear that the munchkin will wake up before I can really make progess or finish. Ah well...I'm going to try something small I can do and see if that helps.

Feeling Ok

Today was a tough drop-off day for the munchkin but I didn't feel too much guilt. Now I'm wondering if we're spoiling her too much, which is why she's so terribly clingy to me right now. Or, is it just a phase? I guess we'll see. I do know that we need to make the effort to get her enough sleep. She's so much more pleasant when she's not tired.

The husband cleaned the house (yeah!) but then seemed to want some kind of pat on the back. Drives me batty b/c I often comment on how nice the house looks...even though the same courtesy was never afforded to me when I was working full time and cleaning the house. Damn, this house could be spotless if I was home all day, every day, by myself. So, there's my little vent about that! I will let him know that the house looks nice. I try to make the effort to keep some peace without getting trampled on :)

This week at work has been relatively busy, which actually helps keep my spirits up. I already have work to do Monday if someone else falls through...and it's challenging work. Even better!

Tomorrow I'm really hoping to relax but I have a feeling we'll be going to the merry-go-round, slide and/or to play with trains at Barnes & Noble. I am going to make the effor to spend at least one day (the majority of it anyway) at home. Maybe Sunday so our only trip is to church.

No Guilt

I kept the munchkin home with me today. After struggling the past week and feeling guilty, I just had to do it for the both of us. I realize that tomorrow may be the worst day yet but I'm cutting myself some slack there. We actually had a nice day full of activity and I even got some work done. I feel...better!

Gotta Get it Out

One of the main issues with my anxiety disorder is an obsessive thought process. I will take an event or incident and replay it over and over...and over some more. So, I'm going to make the effort to Let Go. In fact, I often ask God for help in letting go.

The munchkin is my only child. I love her more than life itself and I'm feeling guilty right now. Sometime, being a WOHM just plain sucks. Two days ago, on a Monday, I dropped her off at daycare. She normally runs in, gets her stickers, then joins her class. This time, her class had just finished breakfast and was lining up to go back to class. Now, she is one to pout so I can deal pretty easily with that. I tell her I love her, see her soon, and leave. But that day, when I turned around to wave goodbye, tears welled up in those big blue eyes and she pleaded "Mommy". It's two days later and it still brings tears to my eyes.

I got down on my knee and had her come to me. I asked her if she felt okay and told her I loved her. In the end, one of her beloved teachers had to peel her off of me...and it was all I could do to let her go. That's just not like her.

Since I've felt so bad, she's been getting special trips after school. One to Barnes & Noble and one to the playground. But then I worry she's getting spoiled b/c the behavior goes south. Ah...parenting...it's a no-win situation.

So here's my decision. I believe most of this is due to her transitioning classrooms where her new teacher is less of a "warm fuzzy" type and some of it is my own hormonal (read: PMS) issue. I'm going to give it two weeks to see how she does. If it doesn't improve I'll look at other options. I do remember having these same emotions the last time she switched so we'll see.

Now that I've gotten that out I hope the thought circle can stop :)

Work and Prayer

Work...I think about it all day, I check on it on my BB on the way home, I think about it as I fall asleep, I dream about it, and it's at the top of my thoughts when I wake in the morning. The thing is, I don't really work all that much or all that hard...I just have to put up with a lot of stupid, demoralizing stuff. So, is that why I think about it so much?

I will say that I've made an effort to stay focused and productive at work the last two days and I really am in better spirits when I'm busy. I guess it's always been that way now that I think about it.

So, again, I think my place of employment plays a large part in my increased anxiety and depression.

That said, I got a card today from the prayer group at my church. It was so nice to know that they are all praying for my mental and physical wellbeing. I often feel like noone "has my back"...today, I feel like quite a few people have my back.

Happy Mother's Day!

Yesterday was about as perfect a day as I can remember. It was a good balance of rest and relaxation along with productivity. Today...not so much. Honestly, I'm struggling a bit today. I feel out of sorts and some of that is hormones, some allergies, and some of it is my anxiety. A 5-hour energy drink didn't pick me up and I've been jittery all day. So, I'm making an effort to rest today. Everyone is napping but me, even though I've tried it's just not happening. I'm sure it's not helping that I have to go to work tomorrow. I'd really like 3-day weekends...just one more day with the munchkin.

I am incredibly grateful to be a mom today (well, everyday) and I am incredibly grateful to have my mom today. Big Man got me the charm braclet I wanted and a great card (and a little something "extra"). We'll have Chinese food for supper tonight...YUM.

Bottom line is that, although I'm struggling today, I am still grateful and making the effort to enjoy the "fruit of my labor"...literally.

Not much effort

Struggling today to make any kind of effort. I did get the munchkin and myself up, dressed, and happily out the door. Also spent breakfast with her at school. So I guess that's something. But I have no desire to be at work today so I'm not accomplishing anything...I'm not making the effort.

My job is not challenging and it's rarely rewarding. I've made, and will continue to make, the effort to support our employees and respond to them quickly. I'm struggling with "pushing paper" and not having any great input for our upcoming staff meeting...other than I did lots of paperwork this week.
The problem is...this job offers me the most insane amount of flexibility...talk about work/life balance. For that, I am grateful.

Today might be a "bare minimum" day but whatever I do, I will make the effort to put out a good product or service.

Now What?

So, I finished everything on my list and now I'm really tired. It's frusterating because I don't understand WHY I'm so tired. I did sleep last night but I know that feeling tired is part of depression so I think I'll just roll with it for a bit. I do feel good that I accomplished my list already. The question is...do I read and float in the pool or do I watch TV? I know one thing...I need to get off this computer :)

Haven't Decided

I haven't decided what efforts I will make today. It's my "work from home" day so I have plenty of options. The house is a disaster but with a DH who doesn't work and a DD in daycare...that's HIS job. No excuses there really. I do need to complete some paperwork for my job so that will be done. Then, I need to decide if this is a stay home and rest day or a go run errands alone day. So, here's the list...PS did you know that lists can actually help with depression and anxiety?

1. Paperwork - done
2. Return shoes - done and purchased more shirts
3. Change bed sheets - done except for comforter in the wash
4. Sew dress (only one seam)
5. Spend at least 15 minutes starting a purge of my craft room
6. Watch some DVR'd TV and rest

It's hot today so I'll also want to spend some time in the pool. I think I'll swim laps to get my exercise. So...now I feel like I have a plan and can make an effort to be my best today and take care of myself.

I forgot that I will probably pick up the munchkin early so we can spend some time playing with the choo-choo trains at Barnes & Noble so that may cut my list a bit short. And really, I'm kinda looking forward to it :)

I am making the effort

It dawned on me about a year ago that I needed a mantra. Something to focus on, to revert to when things got tough. It came to me in one of those oh-so-cliche "ah-ha" moments...make the effort. Just make the effort to be the best you can be, to do the best you can do. My mantra applies to all areas of life...marriage, parenting, work, friendships, education, housework, and health. Some days, I do manage to make the effort to do/be my best while other days, I fail miserably. That's ok though...tomorrow is another chance to make the effort.

I have lived with panic and anxiety disorders most of my life (been diagnosed for almost 15 years now). A few weeks ago, it became clear to me that I was spinning out of control and in a depression. So, this blog is a chance for me to make the effort to get better, do better, be better every day.